I tucked my head down into Chris’s chest and tried hard not to cry when he told me I was going to have to go home AGAIN, when we were led to believe that I would be able to stay Friday-Sunday to spend time with Chris (who I haven’t been able to spend any real time with in two weeks— I come over, we’re both exhausted, we go to sleep almost immediately and when we wake up it’s either time for him to go to work or he’s told that it’s time for me to leave).

The disappointment is immense, when this is what we were looking forward to for two weeks. Karen has been acting like the person I thought I knew again and she said if we hang out with her for a while tomorrow, she will argue on our behalf and say that I can stay the weekends again.

Sometimes I don’t know which part of me is the winning side, the side of me that is grateful for what Karen said she would do, for any possibility to see my boyfriend and wants to spend time with Chris so badly that I’ll do just about anything to make that happen or the side of me that wants to rebel and push back as hard as I can and show that even under this pressure, I won’t crack and be pushed around, that I would hold out and not spend a single night with Chris for 2 months until he moves out..

But I know the former is the more overwhelming side and I couldn’t act on the latter anyway, mostly because it’s simply not anywhere near accurate. Every night that I can’t hear or feel him laying beside me just feels like punishment. And I guess it is an effective one.

Either way.. I am going to lay down and cuddle with my cats, watch a documentary on MSNBC, have really-late dinner, finish reading this handbook and.. yeah. Just wish this night passes quickly.